SHOULD A MUSLIM MAN MARRY A DOCTOR?

A Brother reached out to me recently, on social media, to ask my advice about marrying a Muslim Woman in the medical profession. I got the impression that he got more nays than yays from those whose opinions he had sought. Now, I do not like to give advice – everyone does what they meant to do anyways – but this hit too close to the many messages in my DMs for me to let it slide.

First, I’d like to apologize to that Brother because I was — I have been — in a bad place and was unable to type out this nuanced and invariably long response his query needed. I know my bone-of-the-matter response might have appeared a tad harsh and would be easy to be misconstrued so here I am giving that long response…

That said, this is not personal to said-Brother – I do not know him or his intended personally. It is, rather, a general response to any Muslim man who ever asked, “should I marry a doctor?” Or anyone who ever wondered why that question exists in the first place.

Without further ado, here are my thoughts:

• Dear Muslim Men, and I’m so sorry this even has to be said at all, but marrying a Muslim woman in Medicine is not a prize. They are not trophies to be acquired, nor status symbols of how high you can reach. 

The Prophet (SAW) said, “A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a loser.”  [Sahih Bukhari 5090, Book 67, Hadith 28.]

Yet some men make job titles their primary consideration for seeking out future spouses with no consideration to what that may entail, or worse, the person behind the title.

• Dear Muslim Men, marrying Muslim women in medicine should not be seen as a burden either. Like this fateful Brother – and the man I married almost 20 years ago – too many Muslim Men are discouraged, by their own selves or by those close to them, from marrying Muslim women in Medicine; citing reasons ranging from how demanding a career it is, to how (allegedly) arrogant such women are / will become.

To paraphrase a wise person I knew, “If (we) all run away, who will marry them?” Is it challenging, being married to a woman with a career as demanding as medicine usually is? Undoubtedly! But so are many things in life. 

That hadith of the Prophet (SAW) which expounds on “when a person of character and Deen approaches you for marriage…” should apply to women as much as it applies to men. 

Otherwise, like he SAW warned “…If you do not do so, then there will be turmoil (Fitnah) in the land and discord (Fasad).”  They (his companions) said: “O Messenger of Allah! What if there was something about him?” He said: “When someone whose religion and character you are pleased with comes to you then marry him.” (And he (pbuh) said this) three times. [Jami` at-Tirmidhi 1085, Book 11, Hadith 6.]

• That said, if as a man, your wet dream idea of matrimony is a stay-at-home  wife and mother (and there is nothing wrong with that!), if your conception of masculinity is wrapped up in your role as a sole/primary provider, if you cannot see your way beyond the traditional definitions of gender roles within the home — please, take some time to consider if this person, this life as partner to her, is for you. I am not saying it’s impossible to find someone in medicine with similar aspirations as these. Some doctors want to be SAHMs — I continue to harbour dreams of being a SAHM, myself, someday – but the truth is;

1. It is less likely for that to happen – and –
2. It places a lot of strain on your spouse, and the future of your relationship; that “ideal” of a traditional home that is different from the reality of most women, more so those in medicine.

I say this because I get the DMs on every SM platform I am on; I hear the sob stories. Husbands who forbid their wives from doing their residency programs, and wives who are threatened with divorce, or mathna, if they take that career-defining opportunity. Then there are the women who “gave it up for peace to reign” – the woes of dreams abandoned and regrets they dare not speak elsewhere. Frankly, the stories are too many, and too discouragingly similar, to be worth mentioning here. 

Suffice it to say that medicine takes a lot out of a person, it is a beast of a career. And for the taqwa-conscious Muslim woman, already straining under the attempt to do it all (break stereotypes, serve the ummah, build her home, not lose focus of her Deen, etc etc) the last thing she should have to contend with is a man who cannot handle the pressure of what it means to love and support her. 

Please do not be another burden a Muslimah has to bear. 

• My advice is that this – the pre-marital stage – would be the time to talk expectations. And I don’t mean vague, rose-fragranced, easily-digestible noises about “I want to build a home upon the Quran and the Sunnah”. Rather, what the day-to-day of that looks like, to you both. As a man, can you cook? Will you be willing to? Talk long and short term goals; where would you live? Would you be open to moving / long distance while she is in training? What of your family structure – Will you have kids; When? How many? How often? How involved are you, the father, willing to be in the daily care of such little humans?

If you have the means, I suggest both parties get pre-marital counseling, not at your local imam or da’ee but with a professional. Learn the tools to communicate, the tools to disagree— because, trust me, the disagreements will come— and the tools to love each other through the days ahead. 

This is especially important if you’re thinking of marrying a younger woman, someone who is still in medical school or in the early stages of her career. Because a lot will change as life happens. Medicine is a demanding career. I repeat that so many times because few people who are not directly in contact with a doctor understand the scope of this demand. And, down the line; when the kids start coming and the money— or the lack of it— sets in, when one or both of you are chronically living with sleep deprivation, and the busy-bodies show up with opinions, when egos and accusations are flaring and flying, when it all gets just a tad bit too much; there’ll be a need to reset. Many times. The willingness of both partners to revisit these discussions, to negotiate and renegotiate, to continually put the tools you have learned to use, to prioritize the health of your relationship, and define – for yourselves – what the structure of your marriage will look like – will determine the success of your union. It is not for the faint of heart. But with faith in Allaah and the sincerity to yourselves, it is worth it.

• Finally, I want to address young Muslim women in Medicine. Someone once told me that the most important decision in life is the person you choose to marry. While this is true for everyone, it is especially relevant for you. Do not be in haste with that decision. Do not be swayed by the ‘few good men’ narrative. Refuse to be bullied by snide comments about your age— or worse, your career choice. 

Get married when you’re ready. Choose a partner that meets your needs. Make your istikhara; often, plentifully and repeatedly. Ask the uncomfortable questions. Clarify and prioritize your needs— because no one else will!

And trust in Allah to give you the best: Allah is to His slave what they expect of Him. 

PS; by popular demand, I will be running a free mentee circle, launching soon in shaa Allaah. If you are a Muslimah medical student / young doctor within five years of graduation, follow me here, or on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter, for updates.